Like I said, I tend to go for masculine dudes. I realized how into it I was when I realized I was into dudes and I emulated. You could make a similar argument re: cheating about my buzzed head (though, it's obviously less temporary than a cap), which has its origins in my own taste for men with buzzed heads. To what extent they use it to their scoring advantage is anyone's guess, but I'm willing to envision a scenario based in innocence. Some guys just like caps and they just happen to be gay. I know the cap trick, but it doesn't mean that everyone is using it to manipulate.
I don't even know what I'm like, but I know making sure all of my sentences don't rise as they end is a full-time job - and it is exhausting. I'm learning to not be flattered when someone tells me I could pass for straight, and that's the most confusing thing of all: for as many people who say they think I could, there are plenty of others who think that I'm flaming. I tell myself, "Get into it," like the drag queens/all of us say. To counter, I've been considering adopting an affirmative-action policy toward femme guys. Shavings of internalized homophobia that litter my brain could be the culprit. I'm not immune to this – my eye wanders toward men who appear to be more on the masculine side, and I don't know why that is. "Straight-acting" is a badge of pride, despite the term's corrosiveness.
As a gay, you understand that while you'll always find peers who allow you to be exactly as queeny as you are, there is still a social hierarchy that puts a premium on masculinity. This issue becomes even more confusing for gay men. I realize that cocky bravado runs rampant in straight guys, but even there it is inherently fraudulent. Performance is at odds with masculinity's ease. To own one's maleness is a matter of pride, but when that ownership consciously turns outward, it becomes about other people and takes on a theatrical affect. I have an even more vague idea of whether or not I possess enough of it and what to do with it. Yet, I have only a vague idea of what defines it: strength, evenness, self-assuredness, vigor, substantial eyebrows, beer, sports, funk. Like I said, I do OK and I do it with the wind in my follicle sprouts.Īs a gay man, I find myself consumed by the concept of masculinity. Plus, my head is buzzed, my shoulders are broad and my arms have muscles on them. He said that he was 28, had just come out of the closet last year, and he enjoyed pissing on guys… Pride and Shame: To Pee On Me Or Not To Pee On Me? These are the things I believe because I know the power of the cap. I don't even know if I could value one that came as the result of a cap, which I've long considered the cheat of cheats - the easiest, most temporary way of projecting butchness in the entire Land of Gay. Beyond that, I don't need anything, certainly not a flock. If I see someone I like the looks of, I say something. Wearing a cap just wouldn't be me.īut most of all, I do OK. I don't have time for that much anxiety in my life.
A cap is one more thing to forget and I already live in fear of losing any of my 13 precious sunglasses.
I'm not a big fan of having my head covered, and I'm sure my clumsiness would have me dragging the brim on walls and hitting people in the eyes with it. "You should get a fitted cap and wear it out if you want to pick up guys," he elaborated. Recently, I received a piece of advice: "You should wear a cap." As this was unsolicited, I asked what my friend's boyfriend was talking about.